Torn
by impossible-dreams
Summary: It's been three years, three years full of angst and surprises. When Derek returns to Seattle Grace he gets a few nasty surprises. Pairings undecided, maybe MD, probably MD but no guarentees.
1. If I Could Turn Back Time

_Time is a funny thing, no one cares about time really. We live by time, but time doesn't rule us, we rule time. We fight time with memories and with keepsakes. Things that let us live on forever, things that time can never touch. Sometimes, just sometimes, time wins and we lose. _

It was five o'clock in the morning. Derek was up, as usual with a cup of coffee. He sat at the kitchen table drinking his coffee, reading the paper, like clockworks. Every morning, the coffee, the paper, sometimes a baked good if he could find one.

At exactly five after, he would look out the window and admire the New York skyline, for five minutes pretending it was the Seattle skyline. At five thrirty, Addison would come down, kiss his left cheek and then pour herself a cup of coffee. She would then stir in milk and sit down. He would hand her the front page and she would nod in acceptance.

They had the routine worked out from two years ago after they had left Seattle, after they had moved into the New York flat and after they had settled in.

The routine was broken this morning by a call. The phone rang twice before Derek picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Shepard?"

"Cristina?"

Cristina didn't want to be the one calling Shepard but they had drawn straws and she had lost. So now she was at the payphone looking up numbers calling every Shepard she could find in New York.

"Thank God, I've called three other Shepards…this is Derek Shepard right?"

'Cristina it's five fifteen in the morning…"

"I'm painfully aware of this Shepard."

"So why are you calling me at five fifteen in the morning."

"There's been an accident. Richard was tied up and he needed somebody to call you to ask for your expertise…"

Derek sighed, "At five fifteen in the morning?"

"Your flight leaves in an hour and fifteen minutes… sorry, now fourteen minutes."

"I'm going to hang up now Cristina…"

"I've emailed the tickets Shepard, you had better be here, or else I will personally come to New York and get you, clear?"

"Clear as glass…"

"Good, what are you waiting for, hurry!" With that she hung up.

At five thirty that morning Addison was not greeted at the table by her husband, but by a scribbled note saying.

_Addison:_

_There's been an accident. In Seattle. I'm going._

_-D _

Izzie was waiting in the airport. Her blonde hair was tousled and her lipstick was slightly smudged.

"Izzie. Nice to see you." He smiled pleasantly hoping that she wasn't still mad at him for leaving two years ago.

"_Shepard…_" She rolled her eyes, and then turned around and walked away.

"Alex is getting your bags. Don't argue, I'll catch you up on the way to the hospital…"

Derek sighed, obviously she could hold a grudge.

"Female, late twenties. Fell unconscious without warning, she'd had a car accident some time ago, we think that the problem has re-appeared. She's in a medically induced coma."

"What's her name Izzie?"

Izzie gave him a glare, "Did I let you speak?"

Derek cleared his throat.

"As I was saying, she had been admitted recently, we had no neuro-consult that knew what was happening…"

Derek was quiet for a moment, "So how's everything at the hospital."

Izzie raised an eyebrow, "Dr. Shepard you cannot possibly be idiotic enough to think that I'm trying to make pleasant conversation. I think that you are a jerk. In case you can't tell I don't like you very much, you've hurt a lot of friends of mine and I'm ready to forgive you for that. I'm not going to chit chat with you, and I'm not going to talk to you on a personal level, is that clear?"

Derek nodded.

"Great, we're almost there."

He knew who the patient was, Izzie didn't have to tell him, he read it off her face. He read it from Cristina's voice. He saw it in George's face as he stared out the window.

"It's Meredith isn't it."

Izzie didn't say anything.

"Izzie?"

"What part of I'm not talking to you do you not understand?"

"Don't be childish Izzie…"

"You have NO right to tell me whether or not I'm being childish Shepard. You abandoned her. If she didn't need a neuro consult I would've wanted you to stay with Satan in her salmon colour scrubs. But we've stayed up late, we've done research and we know none of us can do the surgeries. I'd rather be childish than turn into the adult that you are…" Izzie then flipped her hair and stormed into the hospital.

"Why did I come back?" He muttered softly as the automatic door opened softly before him.

It was kind of scary to see her hooked up to all of the machines.

"Cristina?"

Cristina stopped, not turning around.

"Cristina?"

"What?"

"How long has it been going on?"

"What?"

"When did she get into the accident."

Cristina looked down.

"Two years ago…a little after you'd left. You know after you left she swore off alcohol. She was sober for a week, and then this happens, a woman rushing somewhere, conference, airport, something like that. Izzie and George were in the car too, but the car hit the driver's side, they both just got a case of whiplash. Meredith was admitted to Seattle Grace, but it was kept under wraps, Richard didn't want anyone to know for some reason, he didn't want press coverage on her. She was released because they couldn't find anything after she woke up. Now it's back, some kind of trauma, they say it's gotten worse." Cristina never made eye contact in the whole story, like she was trying to avoid him and he had caught her.

"Anything happen before this?"

"She's been complaining about headaches, pain in her chest, some on her forehead and temples. She never talked much though, you know Meredith…"

"Anything else?"

Cristina was still staring at her shoes, "No, can I go…"

"Sure." Derek sighed, resigned.

_Time can change us, there's no doubt about that. We can change time, but it's never the same effect. Time rules us, but our memories rule time. So we're crushed by time and our memories, our past and out future. Somehow though we find a way to live, a way to thrive. Sometimes we can survive._


	2. Do You Want To Know A Secret

_Secrets are the straw that can make or break the camel's back. My first grad teacher told me that. We were of course trying to find out who took Billy's model airplane, but even after we grow up we can learn that secrets are what make and break us. _

"Are we telling him?"

"Well someone has too, I mean, we can't hide it."

George shook his head, "No, I'm not telling him."

Cristina rolled her eyes, "George, Mer's in a bad shape, if she doesn't make it then he needs to know…"

George kept quiet, resigned.

Izzie sighed, "Fine, but right now?"

"Not right now, we'll do it later…"

It was a lie and they all knew it. Except for one little detail, McDreamy was right behind them.

"Arrange a meet for what."

"Izzie…" George said.

"George."

"Cristina…"

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Tonight, eight be at Mer's house. No buts." She then picked up her tray and walked off, her friends following her.

* * *

Derek was there at 7:59, it was an annoying habit of his, to be at least a minute early. It appeared they were ready for him.

Izzie sat him down, awkwardly offered him something to eat or drink, which he turned down. George sat in the corner fiddling with his thumbs. Cristina appeared to be upstairs, doing what he didn't know.

Izzie cleared her throat.

"Yes?"

"Shepard…how can I say this…I can't do this, she wouldn't of wanted…"

George sighed.

"It was two years ago, a rainy day…you were close to leaving…

_Flashback…_

_Meredith watched the rain fall down from the window. Her back and stomach had been hurting more. She saw on the toilet in her washroom, watching the raindrops fall, pretending that she wasn't in Seattle, in her washroom, but she was far far away._

_"Cristina? What does it say?"_

_Cristina was huddled in the corner watching the plastic strip._

_"You know that these aren't always accurate right?"_

_Meredith sighed, "It's positive isn't it…"_

_Cristina nodded, slightly only slightly. So slightly it was almost undetectable, but it was a nod._

_"Shit."_

_Cristina opened her mouth and closed it, "Whose the father?"_

_Meredith had to think, she tapped her finger to her chin, a habit that Cristina found both endearing and unbearable._

_"I was always careful with everyone…but…"_

_Cristina felt herself bite her lip, "Mer…oh god."_

_"It has to be Cristina, I mean we weren't you know…always…careful.." She blushed slightly._

_Cristina slowly walked over, to stand next to her friend._

_"You'll have to test it, just to be sure…"_

_Meredith nodded, "I've already got an appointment…"_

_They stayed there for the rest of the night, silent and thinking. Meredith didn't even know that she was crying.

* * *

_

_The hospital was cold to her, it wasn't the bustling place that she worked at, but an overly sterile, cold and metal…building. She hated it._

_Meredith watched as the woman took her time delivering the results… Meredith didn't open the envelope, but she walked to somewhere, a familiar place._

_Her friends walked in on her in the locker room, holding the envelope, staring at it._

_"You aren't going to find out by staring…" Cristina muttered._

_Izzie broke the gap and sat beside her, "Mer? Are you okay?"_

_Meredith swallowed hard a said quietly, "Can you open it for me? I can't do it…"_

_"Are you sure?"_

_She nodded, "I've been sitting here for the last hour wondering if I really wanted to know, and I do, but I'm a chicken…" She gave a watery laugh._

_Izzie nodded and slowly opened the envelope. She pulled out the sheet of paper from within and unfolded it._

_"You ready."_

_Meredith nodded._

_Izzie took in a sharp breath._

_"Congrats Mer, you're going to be a mother…"_

_End Flashback

* * *

_

Derek looked at the interns.

"What are you trying to tell me, why are you telling me?"

Cristina cleared her throat, and Derek turned around.

"Shepard this is Madeline, Maddy, this is your daddy…"

* * *

The little girl had her mother's green eyes and a few of his tumbled brown curls, that fell in front of her eyes. She had her mother's full mouth and his chin, with slight dimples. She was still practically a baby, a tiny thing that Derek felt like he was crushing.

She quieted in his arms, and he rocked her slightly, holding her. She looked at him and gurgled happily.

"She's thirteen months Derek, she has to be yours…"

He nodded, "I know."

They were quiet for a moment.

"Hello Madeline, it's very nice to meet you…"

_Yes secrets can be what destroy us, and secrets can slow us down with guilt. But sometimes a secret is a good thing. Sometimes a secret is something that we want, something that will make us and not break us. We're all waiting for that secret._


	3. With A Little Help From My Friends

_Thanks for all of the reviews I've updated :D_

_I still don't know what the pairings are, but even if I did, I wouldn't say because I'm EEEVIL:D_

_MK

* * *

_

_With A Little Help From My Friends _

_As we grow older, we learn and know less and less about ourselves. We know less and less about each other. That's why we have friends, to remind us about those parts of us we'd rather forget, and some that we want to remember. Sometimes we can use friends to help us learn._

"Well, George?"

George was in the kitchen and he turned around.

"Shepard." He must've put Madeline back in her crib.

"What can you tell me about my daughter?"

George looked into his eyes. He tried to find something that he could hate, something that was evil. He couldn't, Shepard was trying to go through with a commitment and he couldn't blame him for that. So he watched Shepard intently, and sat down at the table. Shepard followed him.

"She was born underweight, and a month later than she was supposed to. She has your hair and Mer's eyes. She's quick and never cries unless she really has to, and she never cries if Meredith is. She's bright, she's isn't talking or walking, we all think that she's been waiting for you to come, but Maddy controls everything that she does. She's always ahead of the game, she sweet and she loves everyone…is that enough Shepard?"

"Thanks George…"

George sighed tired, "It's late, you can stay in the guest room, we didn't book you a hotel room, we didn't have time."

Shepard nodded, tired, "Thanks."

"For what?"

"I know you hate me George, but…you, you're the best person and you take the high road. I admire that about you George. So thanks, for being there for Mer and Madeline…I appreciate it."

George nodded, as Shepard went up to the guest room, his room.

* * *

Derek stared at his coffee. 

Izzie sat down beside him, he was about to talk when she put up a hand, "I'm in the kitchen for my coffee, not to chat."

He nodded.

Izzie sighed, he was giving her this pathetic puppy dog look, "What?"

"Nothing…"

"Shepard, just get it out damnit."

He looked at her for a second, "I loved her Izzie, but Addison…"

"What Derek?"

"A week before I left I found a pregnancy test in the trash basket. Addison was pregnant too."

"What?"

"Now do you see why I left? I had no other choices. I couldn't abandon a child…"

"But you did."

"I didn't mean to… if I'd known…you know that I'd be on the first plane back…" his voice was bitter.

"Shepard?"

"Look Izzie, you're allowed to be mad at me, I'm mad at me, but understand that I'm trying."

Izzie was quiet, "I'm trying too."

They were quiet.

"You know I always thought that you were perfect together, and that you'd have the prettiest children…and you did." She laughed sadly, "But you weren't there when she stayed up late bitching, you weren't there when she got her results, you weren't there to hold her hand, you weren't at her checkups and you didn't drive her home. You weren't there to drive her to the hospital when she went into labor and you weren't there when she gave birth. You've missed a lot Shepard, she's wanted you to come back, I can hear her sometimes wishing you would come back…but, we can't get attached that's our rule."

"Why?"

Izzie paused, trying to be sensitive, "Addison is still in New York and she isn't going to be happy to learn you have a daughter. So you have a choice. Meredith didn't want you to choose her because of Maddy, are you? What are you doing Shepard?"

"My name is Derek Izzie, I don't work at the hospital anymore, so can you all just call me Derek. I'm not going to leave, I will stay in Maddy's life until she's good and old, and I really don't care what my wife says. Especially while Meredith is in the hospital, I have to be here. So I'm not leaving, okay?"

Izzie nodded, "Okay…I believe you." She was torn in a way, and Derek didn't blame her.

"Thank you, now I'm going to visit Meredith, she's going under the knife later today. Is there anything else you want me to do?"

"Can you pick up some milk?"

Derek smiled, she hadn't asked him that for too long.

"I'd love to pick up some milk…"

* * *

Derek sauntered through the halls, catching parts of the conversations. The nurses murmured about him, and other people just made outright comments, but he didn't care. He had a woman about to go into surgery and he needed to do this. 

He watched the nurses, check tubes, make sure she was okay, they would bring her out of the coma an hour before the surgery, and then she would be put under the knife.

"Well look who finally came home."

"Hmm, a voice sounds like it's coming from below, loud, bossy and sends tremors of fear down my spine…it has to be…"

Miranda Bailey, at her full height of 4 foot 9 glared at him.

"I'm glad someone's come to their senses…"

He hugged her, and she hugged him back.

"I would ask you what brings you back, but I think it's obvious…"

Derek looked back at Meredith, lying on the bed still, too still.

"How is she doing?"

Bailey was quiet, "She's going for residency soon so she better get well soon…and you better not screw her up…" _more_. It was left unsaid but Derek read it loud and clear.

"Are you going to scrub in?"

Bailey paused and shook her head, "I can't mix personal stuff into this you know that…"

Derek nodded, "How's William?"

"He's growing, he's smart and he's gonna start school soon…"

The Nazi softened slightly when she talked about her son, but she stopped and then looked at Derek.

"How long until the surgery?"

"They should be bringing her out soon…"

Bailey stopped, as if trying to find the words to say, "How's Addison?"

Derek was quiet.

"Derek?"

"She's fine." His mouth had pressed into a line.

"Does she know you're here."

"She knows I'm in Seattle, she doesn't know why…"

Bailey clucked her tongue slightly and shook her head, "Derek…"

"I know Miranda, I know."

"Um, Dr McD…I mean Shepard, Dr. Shepard?"

"Yes?"

"She's waking up soon, would you like to.."

"Yes, I would…"

* * *

_Yes friends can help us learn, they come in many shapes and many forms. Sometimes when we're lost, they find us. When we need guidance, they give it. When we need love, they give it. _


	4. Walk the Line

_Walk The Line _

_It's hard not to mix business with pleasure. Maybe because we never know where the line is. How can we know if we've crossed it, if there's no line for us to see. We blindly grope for some kind of guideline to lead us from the past into out future.

* * *

_

She heard the beep of the machine, the first thing that she heard was the beep of the machine. She saw a cup of water in front of her and she took it. Her arms were weak, but she still took it.

She made contact with the person holding the cup and she looked up to see who it was…

"…Derek?"

"Hello Meredith."

She stared at him for a second, "This is a dream, a really bad medically induced dream. You're going to go away after I pinch myself…"

"Meredith, I'm really here."

"Seiously?...Seriously!"

"Seriously."

It suddenly dawned on her why he was here, "You aren't operating on me…"

It was an accusation, and they knew it. Derek's silence was her only answer.

"No, I'm not doing it then, I'm fine…I can walk…"

"Meredith, don't stress yourself."

"You're not operating on me are we clear?"

"Mer…"

"Don't call me that!"

"Meredith, listen to me!" Derek said in a low voice. Meredith glowered but kept silent.

"You're in bad shape, you have a blood clot in a very awkward spot and we need to remove it ASAP. Now you can put up a fight and loose, or you can go along with this…"

"I can't do it… I don't want it…"

"Mer…"

"Don't come near me, don't touch me and don't call me that!" She started to hyperventilate.

"Meredith, breathe Meredith!"

She did, two breaths, one in, one out, one in, one out….

Then it came out, with every emotion in her body it slipped out.

"Haven't you done enough?"

Derek laughed bitterly, "I can't get enough Meredith, you know that…I'm a sink with an open drain."

* * *

She was rolled into the hospital room slowly. Derek watched as they put her under. 

"Are you ready?" It was another intern, not the four that he had expected.

The boy nodded.

"Scalpel…"

The clot came out quickly, it was textbook case. Derek saw no other problems and quickly fixed her. It was almost too simple. The clot had grown so it was half the size of a ping pong ball

"All right, do you want to suture up?"

The boy nodded mutely.

"Okay, now be careful…all right, try to take it out steady…"

Derek let himself disappear behind a shell of his own thoughts.

He was hurt, not hurt Meredith was hurt, he was upset. He knew he hurt her, he knew he had to hurt her. He knew she would act hostile, but he was the best. He hated to say it, but he was the best that could be offered to her. He wanted to help and make the hurt go away, but life didn't work like that, it never did and probably never will…

He smiled at the intern from behind his mask. He closed the skull flap and then nodded to the anesthesiologist. He said three little words.

"Bring her out…"

* * *

He had sat there, annoyingly, like a puppy. 

"It's sickening." Cristina muttered. They were at the receptionist's desk watching Derek.

"I think it's sweet…"

"Are you on crack Izzie? Have you forgotten what he did?"

Izzie cleared her throat and mumbled something.

"What?"

"He…told me that Addison thought she was pregnant…"

George was quiet.

"He left her…"

"He didn't know."

"You three can't be resentful forever…" Bailey murmured.

"I'll be resentful for a long time…a VERY long time." George muttered.

Bailey sighed, "O'malley, Shepard is a man, and men make mistakes. It's never too late you know. That was off the record."

Cristina shot another look at them, "I don't want him back, if she lives, and she probably will…I want him to leave."

"You have no say, Meredith does and she'll make the decision…"

"She has to choose…"

* * *

Meredith spoke slowly, "Are you watching me sleep?" 

"I'm watching you yes…"

"That's creepy Shepard."

"I know Meredith."

"Can you stop?"

"Why?"

"It's hard to sleep with someone watching you."

Derek was silent.

Meredith didn't bother to open her eyes.

"You used to watch me sleep."

"You knew?"

"You weren't exactly discrete." Her eyes opened slowly, "You used to pet my hair and tell me that you loved me…"

Derek nodded, smiling slightly, "If it makes you feel better…"

"Nothing will make me feel better Derek."

"I can think of something…"

"What?"

"Madeline."

Meredith almost hyperventilated.

* * *

_There is a point when we start to learn, there is no line. We always mix business with pleasure because that's what makes life interesting. We don't know when to stop. The line that's supposed to guide us is only dragging us deeper.

* * *

_

_Review!_

_-MK _


	5. You'll Never Know

You'll Never Know

_We all have decisions. As much as we don't like them, or even regret them life throws decisions at us. Being human we don't always make the right one, but we try to decide from what we know. Sometime we'll never know and we make a decision from no basis at all. Then we cross our fingers and hope for the best._

"Meredith, were you planning on telling me?"

She was silent, "You have no claim to her."

"I'm her father…"

"No, father's are there in birth, fathers marry the mother, not have an affair and leave a woman pregnant and then leave the state…"

Derek was quiet.

"How is Addison?" Meredith spat it.

"Meredith."

"What?"

He smiled again, the smile that melted her heart, "She's beautiful."

"Addison!"

"Maddy, she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen…"

"You're not allowed to say that, you have no right or claim." It was in a voice he'd never heard from Meredith.

"Mer…"

"Derek…"

"She needs a father."

Meredith opened her mouth and closed it.

"No."

"What?"

"She doesn't need a father."

Derek was quiet trying to think of something to say.

"Well?"

"She fits so nicely in my arms…Meredith…I know you're mad at me but think of what you're doing."

"What am I doing Derek?"

"You're depriving Maddy of her father, you know that she needs a father. What's going to happen when she needs a liver transplant, or if you get in another accident? Meredith think about her for once. Doesn't she deserve something better?"

"She deserves better than you."

Derek felt like she had slapped him, but she couldn't take it back and he couldn't deny it.

"I deserved that."

"You do. She deserves a father without strings, someone who lives in Seattle, someone who is single, someone who loves me. She deserves a family…" Her voice dropped off. She didn't want Maddy to end up like her, desperate for love, trying to cling on to every shred of her life.

"Meredith."

"What?"

"Meredith…I'd do anything for her…"

She watched him for a second.

"It's been two years Derek." She sounded lost, torn.

"I know, sleep for now Meredith…you'll need a rest."

"Will you watch me?"

"I will…"

* * *

Meredith thought about it.

"What do you think?"

"He's an ass." It was plain, it was Cristina.

"She deserves a father." Izzie pointed out.

"She deserves better than him." George's voice was flat.

"He loves her." Izzie's optimism was evident.

Nobody could argue with that.

"He loves Addison." Meredith said bitterly.

"He still loves Em, can you deny that Mer?" Izzie again.

Meredith paused, "I can't."

"What're you going to do?"

Meredith sighed, "Nothing, he has a right to visit his daughter, I have a right to move on." Her face was still, but everyone could tell she way trying hard to hold everything in.

* * *

Cristina looked at Burke for a moment.

"If you ever cheat on me, I will make you so miserable that…"

"I promise that I'll never cheat on you."

"Or break up with me, I'm going to break up with you if it ever happens…"

"I won't cheat or break up with you."

"Or if you…"

"Cristina, I will be the model boyfriend, I will stay faithful and always love you. I will let you walk over me time and time again. Are you content?"

Cristina paused for a second, and then nodded, "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, you heard me. Okay."

"Okay…so how's Meredith?"

Cristina opened her mouth, and tried to find the proper words, "I don't like him."

"Derek?"

"Shepard, yes. I don't like him."

"Cristina."

"I'm allowed to not like him Burke, he still left her. I'm sure he knew that they weren't always careful."

"He may have had a suspicion, but he had concrete evidence with his wife…"

"I wonder what happened to the baby?"

"Probably a miscarriage. Addison's uterus hasn't been very stable in the past."

"How do you…"

"I know a lot of things Cristina, now I have a consult in three minutes. I will see you tonight." He pecked her cheek.

"We aren't finished this conversation…"

Burke didn't turn around, but waved as he walked off.

Cristina turned sharply to look at some nurses that were gossiping.

"What are _you_ looking at?" She snapped as she turned and walked away.

* * *

Derek sat in the cafeteria, eating slowly.

Izzie sat her tray down beside him.

"I'm sorry, did I miss something?"

"It's not because I like you believe me."

"So why are you sitting here?"

"We're going to play a little game I like to call twenty questions."

Cristina sat down to his right, "Hello Shepard, what'd I miss."

"Nothing, first question, Does Addison know you're here."  
"Yes…she know I'm here."

"Question two, is all of your stuff in New York still?"

"No, I got Addison to send it to me."

"Three, what happened to Mark?"

"I don't know, what happened to Mark?"

"Do you still love her?"

"Who?"

"Who do think?"

"Meredith?" Derek frowned slightly.

Izzie rolled her eyes, but nodded slightly.

Derek was quiet, "Can I pass?"

"Shepard."

"I can't answer that."

"All right then, did you know that you hurt her?" Cristina muttered.

"Yes."

'So why did you keep on stringing her along." It was an accusation, not a question.

"You both know that I didn't mean to…string her along…"

Their pagers went off, and Derek watched as they walked away.

"Derek can I speak to you, in my office for a second…?" Came the soft and commanding voice.

"Sure Chief…"

* * *

"I am an idiot. I am a stupid idiot…" Meredith muttered softly to herself.

It had been two years, two long years and two years that weren't easy. She had to work against the reputation that she had built up, she had to work against her mother's reputation and compete with her own friends.

The hardest thing was to juggle all that and a baby daughter who was barely two. However, even harder than that was trying to figure out what was right for her daughter.

"You aren't an idiot Mer…"

She glared at him, and then sighed, "I'm have every reason to be mad at you."

"I know."

"I may not stop being angry at you for a long time."

"I know."

"But Maddy needs a father Derek…."

"I know."

"What's to say the trauma didn't produce something else. What if that something kills me…? Derek, George Izzie and Cristina won't raise her right, she's not their child…"

"I know Meredith."

"But this doesn't mean I love you Derek. No that's wrong…I may love you, but you didn't pick me, so I can't love you…you're untouchable…"

"Mer?"

"Derek?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

* * *

_Sometimes we'll never know. It's true sometimes we have absolutely clueless. But sometimes we have one idea that helps us to find out everything we need to know. Sometimes we get that gut feeling that tells us what to do. Sometimes we just know._


	6. Blast from the Past

_We all have our own little __surprises. Something that we can't get behind us, something that looms over us like a shadow. THen when we aren't looking, it just appears. "Boo!", just a sudden and unwanted surprise. Definitely unwanted. That's what happens when you get your guard down, you get something like that to remind you of what you are.

* * *

_The woman stood in the lobby, searching for a familiar face.

"Addison?"

"Izzie, you've grown…"

Izzie's look was frosty, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I was looking for my husband and I had a feeling that he might've made it back here."

"I haven't seen him." Izzie walked off.

"Thanks for your help." Addison sighed. Izzie had a lot to be mad at her for. She hurt her, she hurt her friend.

"Face it Addison, you're a bitch." She muttered.

She walked up to the front desk, "Hi, do you know where I could find Derek Shepard?"

"Yeah."

"Okay…where?"

The receptionist gave her an icy look and sighed like it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Room 326." She then went back to her work.

"Thanks…"

* * *

Derek was laughing, not chuckling, but laughing. She could only guess who was in there with him.

Addison opened the door slowly as she saw her husband laugh.

"He never does that with me…" she thought to herself, feeling jealousy rise inside her.

She didn't take any time, "Hello Derek, fancy meeting you here."

"Addison, nice to see you, I was just talking to Meredith about everything…"

Addison knew it was Meredith on the bed, but she had bandages around her head, and various machines for life support, a morphine drip.

"Are you okay Meredith?"

Meredith gave her look that said, "As if you care…"

"Yes, the surgery went well." Derek interrupted.

"What happened?"

"I had a car accident a couple of years ago, the trauma grew and reappeared."

Addison's eyes went wide, "Oh, how are you feeling…?"

Meredith bit her lip, she was about to say something, when Derek interrupted.

"She's getting better slowly, is there something you want Addison?"

"Yes, I just wanted to… talk, for a second, can we speak outside?"

"Derek, why didn't you tell me you were coming back to Seattle Grace?"

"Addison, I told you I was coming back to Seattle."

"It's not the same Derek and you know that."

He was quiet and Addison ignored urges to strangle him.

"Can you say something?"

"What can I say Addison?"

"That you didn't tell me because you knew that it was wrong, because you knew you still love her…"Addison felt herself go shrill.

"Sh! Addison, she's just in the other room!"

"You haven't told her yet Derek? I'm surprised." She spat it at him.

"Addison, don't act like this."

"Like what?"

"Like a five year old for starters!" Derek's temper rose slowly.

"Derek, we all know who's acting like the five year old here."

"Addison!"

"Well it's the truth, isn't it? You're the one who's sneaking off to see your girlfriend. Why Derek? Why would you leave it all behind?"

"Addison."

"Derek, can you say something? I feel like I'm talking to a rock!" She started to hyperventilate, panic. Was he mad at her? Why couldn't she just stop talking…stop talking!

"Addison! Listen to me…"

She took in a breath, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't focus.

"Addison?"

She nodded, taking in another breath. She was fine, listen, he needs you to listen….

"When we left, she was pregnant…"

Addison couldn't hold it in any longer, she fainted.

* * *

Cristina fiddled around on the computer, she was supposed to be doing research on her patient, but that could wait. She'd be able to do it in five minutes. She needed to find something out.

The person who was driving, who hit Meredith's car when they ran the red…who was it?

Cristina sifted through website after website. She couldn't find anything, she made phone calls and she wrote emails…nothing.

Then she saw something, a link at the bottom of the page. She clicked on it to find the case. It was part of Meredith's hospital record…

"This is driving me crazy..." cristina muttered, she was so close that it bothered her. Just a little further...

* * *

"Addison? Can you hear me?" 

She was on a gurney and being rolled.

"I'm fine…" she murmured.

"That's a lie Addison."

"No, I'm really fine…"

"Addison…"

She was stopped, a room maybe, that's what it felt like. Someone was doing something to her arm.

"Let me go…" she muttered, trying to yank her arm away.

"It's allright, let her sleep…"

Derek carefully put a cool towel to her forehead.

It was silent for a minute.

"It's exhaustion isn't it?"

"No…I'm fine Derek." Her voice came back.

"Addison ever since the baby you've been…"

"Miscarriage Derek, it's called a miscarriage."

"Ever since the miscarriage you've become completely absorbed with your work…"

"No I haven't."

"When's the last time you slept for more than five hours…"

She was quiet.

"That's my point Addison, you can't work yourself raw."

"Don't lecture me Derek."

"What?"

"You got your mistress pregnant, you're in no position to lecture me…"

"Addison."

"What? You aren't. Leave my room Derek, I can't deal with it right now."

"Addison…"

"I don't even know why she kept it…I thought that she would…"

Derek was dumbfounded, "Addison, I'm going to leave right now, I'll send someone in to check up on you. Sleep okay?"

She was babbling something.

"I love you Derek…"

* * *

_We all have a past, present and future, and no matter how hard we try to not look back, we always do. It always gets us when we least expect it . That's why we try and move forward. We need to break through, we have to break through. Our past helps lead us to our future, we just have to keep looking forward._


	7. You Raise Me Up

_

* * *

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;  
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;  
_Her mother had abandoned her when she was five. Her father had left when she was fifteen. She had no brother or sister to take care of her, so Meredith took comfort in one thing, her books.

She got the best grades in all of her classes, and she ignored everything else. She had friends that she kept at a distance, until now. Two years ago when she made a promise to make friends. That she wouldn't die alone, she refused to die alone.

It was hard somedays. Some days, everything just slipped away from her, her mother's dying her father left them. She needed something stable, something to root her down so she wouldn't slip away too.

_Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,  
Until you come and sit awhile with me.  
_She got it. Maddy. For all that she hated Shepard…well semi-hated Shepard, she was glad that he gave her…Maddy.

It was a cliché and she knew it, but Maddy was something good and pure and she needed that. The innocence of children.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;  
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_  
He was at her door again, giving her a smile.

"What?"

"I have a surprise for you…"

"What?"

He grinned and then reached down to pull up a carrier.

"Say hello to mommy Maddy…" He grinned as he picked up the little girl from the carrier, closing the door with a leg.

_I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;  
You raise me up... To more than I can be.  
_Meredith smiled at the irony, the last time he did that, they were involved in something a lot more…heated.

"Hello Maddy, how have you been?" She said as she accepted her daughter.

Derek sat on the bed, watching mother and daughter.

"Did you miss me? I know you missed me. I hope you missed me, but I'm sure that you were good for Aunty Izzie, and Uncle George. Were you good for your daddy too?"

"She was an angel, she didn't cry the whole way here…"

Meredith smiled, "Thanks…"

* * *

"How's she doing?" Izzie went onto her tip toes trying to see through the window.

"I don't know, her charts say she's getting better…" George murmurred

"He's been in there for a while…" Cristina said plainly.

Then they heard it. The beep, the outright beep that meant nothing good.

"Code Blue! We have a code blue!" Derek shouted.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains  
_The interns rushed to assist.

"Yang, get a defib. O'Malley get Bailey or somebody. Izzie take Maddy somewhere, she can't be here right now…"

They rushed to work, Izzie collecting little Maddy.

_You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_

"Push 60!" Cristina applied liquid to the paddles and Derek opened up Meredith's gown slightly.

"Yang…"

_You raise me up... To more than I can be._  
She's a mother, a friend, a daughter…there was no trace of anything wrong, what's happening?

It swirled through Derek's mind that she was dead. It was wrong…she couldn't be dead.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;  
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;  
_"Push 120!"

Cristina nodded.

The jolt made Meredith's body lift from the bed.

"Push 160…"

"Shepard, that's high."  
"Yang, push 160…"

Cristina opened her mouth and then closed it. Silently she cranked up the voltage.

The jolt wasn't enough.

"Dammit, make it higher Cristina!"

"Shepard…it could kill her…"

_I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;  
You raise me up... To more than I can be._  
"Cristina, she's already dead."

Cristina muttered something as she turned it even higher.

The blip on the monitor beeped after the jolt was delivered. It grew more steady slowly, slowly it grew.

"Thank god…" Derek muttered, wiping a piece of hair that had been pressed to his forehead.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains  
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas  
_

"Should I get Izzie?"

"Ask her to bring back Maddy if you can…"

Cristina nodded, and the nurses and other people slowly drifted out of the room.

Her heart was beating steadily, and the sound of her breathing returned.

"What happened?" Derek muttered thoughtfully.

What would make her stop breathing, if her lung collapsed, if she had a clog in her windpipe…something in her mind that just told her to stop breathing. Is it possible?

He would look into it, but for now he would monitor her to make sure she didn't relapse…

* * *

"I hate it Izzie."

"What?"

"Cristina's switched sides now."

"George what are you talking about?"

They were sitting in the hallways, their hallway, Izzie's eyes shut, George rocking back and forth. It was dark in the hallway, and few people went through it.

"You liked him after her swore that he loved Maddy, Cristina admires the fact that he almost killed her…"

"He saved her George…"

"Whatever, I'm just saying that she could've died from that…"

"She was technically already dead."

"I know Izzie, I'm a doctor too…"

"I'm just saying."

"I'm saying that everyone's forgetting what he did. He left her for Addison and then left all of us Izzie, out of the city, state…to New York, and New York isn't a couple of hours away…"

"It is by plane actually…"

"Izzie! Not helping, all I'm saying is that it's not fair that you're all forgiving him, we had a deal."

Izzie rolled her eyes, "George, listen to me. I have a feeling that this doesn't have anything to do with Derek…"

"See you're even calling him Derek now…"

"George…" It was the warning tone.

He was quiet, "I told her that I would never hurt her, or leave her. I told her that I'd love her forever Izzie. But when she looked at me, she wasn't looking at ME, she was looking at McDreamy who had manifested himself in me… it was always him, I chose her, she chose me, he chose Addison and Addison chose…god knows who. I chose her, I left myself in the open and she shot me down. It's not fair Izzie…"

"She fell for him George, there's nothing that you can do about that…"

"But I fell for her." It was the voice of the lost child.

_I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;  
You raise me up... To more than I can be._  
"I know George. I know."

* * *

Meredith's dreams were the same as usual, that day when she crashed.

_She had sworn off alcohol, she would do nothing to harm this baby. If it wasn't Derek's then it wouldn't be fair to hurt it. It was just a child…she'd be able to deal._

_She pulled out of the hospital and drove on the side streets slowly, so she be able to think. The lights ran over her car making shadows flicker. George and Izzie were talking about something in the back seat, Izzie had to turn around because George was right behind her._

_Then she heard Izzie screaming and she jolted. Thankful she had her seatbelt on, she felt blood trickle down her forhead, and Izzie's face in front of her. Someone else's, she saw Derek's face there…but he was in New York. How was he…_

_The last thing she saw was the flickering street light, she knew she had been pulled out of her car. She told Izzie to call Cristina, but the words didn't come out. Nothing came out. Black filled her vision, until she completely lost consciousness._

Meredith's woke up slowly.

"So do you watch every girl who's in a coma or was it only me and the girl who had my shoes…"

Derek paused, "I was going to tell George to call your family Mer, but then I realized something. There's no one to call. Maddy was here, your mother wouldn't be able to help and no one knows your father's number. I don't think you'd want him here either. That's why I can't leave your life Meredith, not yet. Someone has to be there to take care of Maddy. You and I both know that I'm one of the best people for that job. So? What's it going to be?"

She sighed, "All right Derek," She paused and then slowly said threw words, "I choose you."

_You raise me up... To more than I can be.

* * *

_


End file.
